9 September, 2016:
12:07 Amma: She has had two heart attacks now. Dr has revived her.
12:16 Appa: Brave and tough heart that she is and you are, will come through this phase, Mala
12:42 Me: She is a survivor amma, she has to come out on the other side stronger…
15:42 Amma: It is all over!
I read this as my phone caught up with full network coverage, on the escalator between the metro platform and the exit. Amma must have meant the treatments of the day were over and they were headed back home. The exclamation point must be to refer to relief. It couldn’t possibly be the other thing.
What a vague message.
Then again, how does one articulate the unimaginable, the incomprehensible?
I think I called amma first who was crying uncontrollably saying what happened without saying those words. I began crying and called appa. I could hear him quietly sob as he heard me tell him without telling him. I cried uncontrollably the entire walk home wondering how and who would tell A; she had moved to New York six days before as proof in her belief that she would recover completely, nothing was going to happen. Our lives - amma’s, A’s, mine, and some others - were indeed over as we knew up until then.
She: amma’s identical twin sister; A’s mother; my aunt/also mother.
_____
Every year, A and I acknowledge this anniversary by checking in on: feelings, emotions, tears, irritation stemming from other people’s behaviours, and how heavy it felt or didn’t.
A few days ago, I spent time with my cousin’s daughter who has only just begun speaking. Very adorably she called out to my other cousin and me: Chitti.
What I would call her: Kala Chitti. I have always had more than one Chitti. It isn’t my first time as an aunt, certainly not the first time I’m someone’s Chitti. But it felt like this word didn’t belong to me.
Last night, I got impatient and annoyed very quickly during a conversation with my husband. A little annoyance was probably warranted. Tears didn’t make sense. I didn’t understand why I had such an extreme reaction. I proceeded to cry for a long, long time… and memories from that day flashed in my mind. I looked at the last text I received from her:
1 August, 2016:
19:00: Cute picture.
So here is a cute picture from the mid-90s:
Note: Sometime in the last fortnight, I appear to have hit a century. Welcome!! My deepest thanks to the new (and old) folks wanting to read! Apologies for the rather melancholic Monday return to writing.
❤️🩹. Melancholic or not, it is always nice to read you. Congratulations on the century!!!
Thank you for sharing your memories so beautifully. Glad to have you back 💖 PS: Congrats!! 💯